“He didn’t know what to say to the ICE agents, so he smiled. They looked at him like he was retarded.”
The following brief on operation BLOOD OATH is CLEARANCE LEVEL HAMILTON. It is for PRESIDENTIAL and DUPLICITOUS VICE PRESIDENTIAL eyes only. Failure to keep this information from THE COMPANY (a shadow organization within the CIA, which is also known as “The Company”) will result in a vaguely choreographed action set piece, possibly told from the POINT OF VIEW OF A SURVEILLANCE CAMERA.
SUBJECT: NATHANIEL “Cade” CADE
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY: Personal Vampire to the President of the United States, 1867-current
SPECIAL TALENTS: Cade is a vampire, but not like the ones you have seen in movies, except for the movies where the vampires say they are not like the ones you’ve seen in movies. He is allergic to holy items, sensitive to sunlight, and can only be killed by destroying his head or his heart. He is otherwise invulnerable, omnipotent, and capable of moving so quickly in combat that a frustrated writer adapting his unsold screenplay into a novel would not be able to adequately describe Cade’s actions. Of course, as a vampire, Cade REFUSES TO DRINK HUMAN BLOOD.
KNOWN ALLIES: Agent “Griff” Griffin and Zach “Ah, bite me” Barrows. Upon optioning the rights to their stories, please send copies of this report to Liam Neeson and John Cusack respectively.
OPERATION SYNOPSIS: Based in the Smithsonian, Cade and his handlers are responsible for dealing with all supernatural and extraterrestrial threats to the United States. Like Cade himself, the creatures they face are not the sort of folkloric monsters, Lovecraftian horrors, or mysterious aliens you’re familiar with from books and movies– unless you’ve seen the Hellboy movies, read Lovecraft, or are aware of popular conspiracy theories. In operation BLOOD OATH, Cade and his team attempted to stop the REAL LIFE INSPIRATION FOR DR. FRANKENSTEIN (aka “Konrad”), a plastic surgeon and RECOVERING NAZI, from selling corpse monsters to Islamic terrorists.
OPERATION HIGHLIGHT: During a chase, Cade commandeered a vehicle parked on the street. Afterwards, a man on the scene shouted, “Hey! That’s my car!”
FUN FACT: When asked “Where were you on 9/11?”, Cade has previously stated that on September 10th he was incapacitated by a terrorist with a flaming sword. He claims to have been pinned to the wall of a parking garage through the duration of the attack. Since no one, not even PRESIDENT CURTIS believes his story, Cade’s stock answer is that he was “hung up” at the time.
ANALYSIS: Operation BLOOD OATH was executed inelegantly and in questionable taste. Should evidence of these events be uncovered, it could irreparably harm the reputation of the United States and its taciturn, bad-ass, pig-blood drinking vampires. All records of the activities of Nathaniel Cade and his partner Zach Barrows deserve to remain classified and hidden from the public eye in perpetuity.