Review – The Muppets

The Muppets is THE BEST of 2011. Without caveat. It is the best everything. The best film. The best music. The best minutes. The pinnacle of human endeavor. December might as well give up now. It’s over. Anything happening in December, you’ve already been defeated. By The Muppets.

I haven’t teared up so much at a movie since Jason Segel almost ended his bromance with Paul Rudd. That was just sad. Can you imagine? Most of us will never know how awesome it is to have a bromance with Paul Rudd. And then to have Paul Rudd taken away? Devastating.

But the keyword above is “almost”. At the end of I Love You, Man, Rashida Jones accepts the fact that though I’d totally go for her over Pam on The Office, and probably over my wife, she’s just some impossibly beautiful, intelligent, super-sophisticated ho compared to Paul Rudd, and if she really loves me, she’d want me to be happy (with Paul Rudd).

That’s part of the Jason Segel magic. Until I Love You, Man, I had only cried once at a movie– when Frodo and Gandalf first rode over the hill into the Shire in Fellowship of the Ring. And maybe when the brontosaurus mom got shot in Baby: Secret of The Lost Legend. Most DEFINITELY not in Toy Story 3, no matter what anyone tells you. Anyway, Jason Segel has done it again and made me cry from joy. The Muppets, also the best JOY of 2011.

Narrow the category down to film alone if you must. It’s been a particularly dire year at the theater, and we’ve run out of kings with speech impediments. What else has the Academy got? An uplifting sequel to Hackers where the girl hacker seduces James Bond and solves white people mysteries? Martin Scorsese’s movie about precocious children living in a train station in France in the 1930s? (You know the only thing worse than precocious children? TRAIN STATIONS! Followed closely by the 1930s.) Steven Spielberg’s story about a horse?

I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID HORSE! THAT’S WHAT HE GETS FOR NOT GETTING A COLLEGE DEFERMENT FROM THE DRAFT!

Steven Spielberg, come back to Hollywood when you can make a movie so magical that it makes Jack Black seem tolerable. (Best tolerable use of Jack Black? The Muppets!) David Fincher, maybe instead of stealing ideas from foreign movies nobody’s ever heard of, you could learn a thing or two about breaking the fourth wall. (Best fourth walls broken? The Muppets!) And you, horse, I only like movies where I cry from happiness, and I have a feeling you die at the end. Please go die somewhere alone where you won’t distract holiday audiences from the gift of laughter.

There were some other pretty good things in 2011. I discovered a passion for tasty frozen yogurt topped with raspberries and snowcaps. I ran into Paul Giamatti at the used bookstore. George RR Martin finally disappointed his fans by publishing A Dance With Dragons, instead of disappointing us with promises that he would someday finish it. But The Muppets trumps them all.

If you think about it, it’s the best thing that’s happened to you this year, too. I’m sure the birth of your child was fine. And congratulations on that minor salary increase. There were probably other things you “liked” this year. But be honest. Did any of those things end with you dancing and singing your way out of a movie theater?

Somehow I doubt The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo will either.  And that’s why The Muppets is the best movie of 2011.

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